It is no secret. When walls start to be built up in a relationship that communication, intimacy, and sex all get put on hold quickly. What I find to be true over and over again is how we behave, interact, and speak to our partner, especially on a daily basis, is what invites or un-invites us into each other's space. Most the time it is not overly complicated what has to change in order to start pulling bricks off the wall that has been built up for some time. It becomes complicated when one or the other chooses to never soften how they show up (with words or actions), which keeps both people stuck. And let's be honest, it is not fun staying stuck on each side of the wall feeling like you are constantly having to yell over top of it to be heard or acknowledged.
Picture this scenario: A husband and wife standing in the kitchen and starting to make dinner after a long day of work. The husband states, "when are you ever going to clean the kitchen so I can actually make dinner for once?" The wife states, "Do you even pay attention to what I do around here and see all the other things I take care of while you are at work?". Both continue a tit for tat conversation, meanwhile, no one is making dinner and the two are just making each other more frustrated. Now picture if the same scenario happened in another way. The husband drops what he is doing in the kitchen and gives his wife a hug, asking, "How was your day?". The wife explains her day and then says, "I know I did not get around to cleaning the kitchen today, it's been busy." The husband follows up with, "That is completely okay, I know how hard you work and that is not important right now." Both create room to hit pause and acknowledge how hard their days are, while inviting one another into each other's space without accusations being made.
It is so important to acknowledge our emotional state and then respect what it is our loved one needs after expressing what is not working anymore. Couples often say they go to therapy to better communication skills, however, what does that really mean? More specifically, I believe it means how do we soften our edges around the things we have built up self-protection and judgements around to know what it is we should change to allow room for connection again. Accusations, judgments, criticism, and projections add bricks to the wall. Kindness, gratitude, validation, and empathy remove those bricks. Practicing ways to open a new door to invite your loved one into your space takes patience and time. The key is patience and a willingness to accept what is not working. Overtime, couples will bring back trust into the relationship. The little enactments, hugs, kisses, moments to really hear how each other's day is, and opportunities to say "hey, you matter more than x, y, z...we have going on" are the stepping stones to more intimate time spent together.
Here are some ways you can practice re-inviting each other into your space:
Hugs for no reason.
Picking two things a week to acknowledge what your partner does well at knowing life is busy.
Ask if it is more important to get things done around the home or if it is more important to find a moment to connect.
Name what chores are easiest for you each and what ones are harder. This also lets you know what chores you could randomly do for your partner, knowing they might do it more than you.
Playing music and dancing around to two songs.
Spontaneous gifts and date nights.
Find one way you can do something for your partner daily (sending a loving text, leave an encouraging voicemail, make them coffee/tea in the AM, simple acts of affection, or leaving sticky notes where they'll find them) to let them know they matter to you.
Set the mood for the evening if you know your partner had a hard day.
Take over a task without being asked, knowing your partner may be at their capacity for that day
Read a favorite poem or paragraph of a book you like to one another
The things you once lost in the relationship can come back again, and often, in new exciting and surprising ways.
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