In my first few posts I write about complexities and grief that come with 'finding a way back to one another' after significant heartache in relationship. After completing a recent course on transformative change that required forming more self-awareness around what it means to form a personalized mission statement for your life, I became very interested in how this model would apply to couples who have lost their way in estranged, chaotic relational dynamics.
Most often, people enter relationships that mirror certain versions of themself at a specific age or reflect their own parental behaviors. I believe a part of the challenge in entering relationship at younger ages, is as you grow together, you have to re-learn who one another is several times over. No one prepares you for what it takes or requires of you 'to keep choosing' the person you happened to date at eleven or eighteen years old. It makes sense why the idea of healing in longer term relationships feels like a feat or an unattainable goal overtime. I often hear within couples' shares that the laundry list of appeasing or making things right turns into more baggage and burdens because no tools were ever taught to make amends when they were needed most. This is no fault of one another. When I think back on my first boyfriend, so much of it is a guessing game with a lot of trial and error for what it means to be in a 'good' relationship. I laugh the older I become because it was never romantic or coming from a place of depth, it was simply asking myself, is this good enough? (coming from a place of ignorance and fear of being rejected). So how in the world do we gain traction after years of just guessing what the relationship should be? There is no magic answer here, however, I do know we can gain a deeper connection after learning more about one another and wanting to become re-inspired by each other after years of shying away from certain topics.
It is common in relationship to have two sides of fear that come to play. First, is fear of loosing yourself by being in relationship to someone else. Second, is fear of loosing the person you finally have found yourself in. These initial attachments formed through unspoken fears can then rear their ugly head later on down the road. This is when resentment and other distasteful emotions/thoughts come to play. It can be a lot! Not only are you re-learning yourself as an individual at different stages in life, you are also re-learning who your significant other is and often judgements take over whether or not we like 'this new version'. A question I like to ask couples early on is, "Are you able to get excited with your partner as they are becoming more aligned with who they are?". Are you able to acknowledge the ways in which your loved one is exposing new parts of themself? If the answer is no, then I would get curious why that is. Growing up I often witnessed people rejecting each other or becoming upset when they saw their spouse start to differentiate and find a new path in the world. Why are people so quick to be threatened by this? It always seemed backwards in my mind, which is why I try to really understand how people get to jealous and angry places. If you can get excited for and with your loved one for their journey, it will start to change your present day behaviors and thoughts on what you are stuck in now. We get to choose if the character development within ourself and another will bring us closer together or make us grow farther apart. No one will choose that for you.
If you are a couple that is currently questioning these things or trying to pave a new path with more strengths, intention and integrity; know you can. Much like we set yearly goals and create grand mission statements for our time on earth, we can also create a mantra or mission statement for our relationship. I believe in order for this to work, you both need to get real about who you are independently of one another and then vocalize what shared qualities and virtues can be threaded into your relational dynamic that will bring a solid foundation to your overall outlook on relationship. By understanding protective behaviors, inner fears, and ignored desires it is possible to create a clear vision on what motivates your relationship most. You both can then pause and come back to this anchor as many times as you need to for a refresh or more refined perspective on how to maneuver through harder times.
Questions to reflect on:
Do you trust your partner is fine on their own?
Do you trust you are fine separate of your partner?
Can you accept the person they are becoming now?
Do you want to grow alongside who your loved one is becoming?
Do you feel valued in your own growth as much as you are supporting theirs?
Can you support one another's passions while continuing to pour into the relationship?
Does your relationship have underlying motives that keep you both excited?
Does your relationship have a set of values you can meet one another in when life gets overwhelming and messy?
Do either of you ever remind each other of the course you are on and the richer values of staying the course together?
Do you both make time for the romantic side of your relationship?
Is there something that keeps getting ignored in the relationship?
Do you want anchored goals within your relationship?
What current values would bring you both closer to future dreams?
ART
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