The Shame-Worth Dance

It is an awful feeling to be caught in a ping pong match between these two feelings. What I have learned through my meditation practices is that worth just happens as we stay devoted to a daily practice, continually catching our thoughts and naming how we want to see ourself on a given day. I have carried a lot of shame with me into my adult years from childhood, that I am finally naming, claiming and releasing. As I am regrowing my confidence and more quickly stopping past narratives from ruining a present moment, I am shocked at my current capacity to meet myself with kinder thoughts now. I say to my mind, "Yes, this big event or awful scenario happened and it is no longer occurring. You are worthy of making choices that keep you honest and friendships that champion your effort for change".

Shedding different layers of shame felt really heavy for awhile because I was carrying others' from my background and my own altogether. When I recognized I had to start separating myself from what another does not want to acknowledge in themself, it allowed room in my healing journey to exercise freedoms in self-worth. I have always had access to self-worth in ways I never let my mind believe. It is so relieving to be in a place where I do believe I am worthy of beautiful friendships, a love I do not have to dance around, a healthy body, being treated with respect, and get back to dreams that deserve a place at my table.

We are all going to do things in each stage of our growth that require mistakes and mending new ways of how to put what matters most to us in life back together again. I was chatting with a friend the other day about how no matter what job I have had people are quick to judge or want to change a behavior in another, verses, letting someone make repairs on their own time. If more people were able to experience someone's patience and trust in allowing them to build better boundaries around a behavior we would see more effort for what could easily be a simpler, more impactful change. I know when I have been fully accepted as I am, I often start questioning the grey areas of my life where I could create a better focus, boundary or routine. We either get shamed into decisions that do not quite feel like our own or have the opportunity to speak up and state what we want because we no longer put blame on ourself beforehand. I now put conscious, passion-driven energy into making larger life decisions and ask myself, "Am I making this choice out of past fears or choosing this next experience because I know it is a needed strength to get one step closer to an aligned goal". Removing the weights of shame have truly showed me more clearly what I am most deserving of because I have much fonder respect for myself.

"You deserve a seat at your own table and get to choose who shares in the meals and play."

-Little me to Adult me

Fear Of...

For the fear of being loved I let other's fears latch onto me like a disease running rampant.

For the fear of not being successful I stayed in a classroom that trapped me like a bird in a cage.

For the fear of not living up to family expectations, I did what other's deemed proud and not what I would be proud of within myself.

For the fear of living up to being a protector, I decided to protect those most vulnerable not seeing my own vulnerabilities that still needed to feel secure.

For the fear of screwing up, I shamed myself the hardest when other's stated the ways in which I was going about something wrong.

For the fear of never achieving a dream, I walked in the shadow of ideas and day dreamt the feeling rather than taking action toward an attainable goal.

For the fear of never experiencing a space that is filled with a warm, compassionate love in a judgement free home, I decided that space does not exist.

What I know now is I exist and these fears no longer have a seat at my table.

And while I continue waking to the sun, I will create the space that was never shown.

Meals that invite you to come as you are and conscious forgiveness that heals a heart.

I walk with standards and eat with honest amends.

For the LOVE.

ART