The Shame-Worth Dance

It is an awful feeling to be caught in a ping pong match between these two feelings. What I have learned through my meditation practices is that worth just happens as we stay devoted to a daily practice, continually catching our thoughts and naming how we want to see ourself on a given day. I have carried a lot of shame with me into my adult years from childhood, that I am finally naming and claiming. As I am regrowing my confidence and more quickly stopping past narratives from ruining a present moment, I am shocked at my current capacity to meet myself with kinder thoughts now. I say to my mind, "Yes, this big event or awful scenario happened and it is no longer occurring. You are worthy of making choices that keep you honest and friendships that champion your effort for change".

Shedding different layers of shame felt really heavy for awhile because I was carrying others' from my background and my own altogether. When I recognized I had to start separating myself from what another does not want to acknowledge in themself, it allowed room in my healing journey to exercise freedoms in self-worth. I have always had access to self-worth in ways I never let my mind believe. It is so relieving to be in a place where I do believe I am worthy of beautiful friendships, a healthy body, being treated with respect, and get back to dreams that deserve a place at my table.

"You deserve a seat at your own table and get to choose who shares in the meals and play."

-Little me to Adult me

Fear Of...

For the fear of being loved I let other's fears latch onto me like a disease running ramped.

For the fear of not being successful I stayed in a classroom that trapped me like a bird in a cage.

For the fear of not living up to family expectations, I did what other's deemed proud and not what I would be proud of within myself.

For the fear of living up to being a protector, I decided to protect those most vulnerable not seeing my own vulnerabilities that still needed to feel secure.

For the fear of screwing up, I shamed myself the hardest when other's stated the ways in which I was going about something wrong.

For the fear of never achieving a dream, I walked in the shadow of ideas and day dreamt the feeling rather than taking action toward an attainable goal.

For the fear of never experiencing a space that is filled with a warm, compassionate love in a judgement free home, I decided that space does not exist.

What I know now is I exist and these fears no longer have a seat at my table.

And while I am waking up to the sun, I will create the space that was never shown.

I walk with standards and eat with honest amends.

For the LOVE.

ART