At a certain point in long-term relationships you have to start naming the ways in which you yourself and the relationship has changed. It can be very difficult to honor change, especially when two people have spent years not talking about the impacts certain life decisions have had on the relationship. I have found it is the in-between battles and unspoken anxieties about wanting or needing something new and not knowing how to take the first step that gets lost in communication with our loved ones overtime. Let's be honest, it is scary to name something you maybe haven't said out loud before, while wondering if you will still be accepted, acknowledged or understood. This could be around a job change, significant move, spirituality, finances, having children or not having them, wanting to start a new hobby, or naming you want to separate. Whatever it is you are both wanting to do differently, it requires a certain level of attention and time set aside to share your values, visions, and ideas for embracing a larger change ahead. And if it is not acknowledging a greater change, maybe it is just embracing the changes already made. Transforming in a relationship looks different for everyone and there is real liberation in being able to name what you've outgrown and the ways in which you have matured to be where you are at now.
So where is an easy starting point to discuss evolving as a couple? I personally find it helpful to name specific areas in which the relationship has already transformed verses focusing on "all the things that are not happening as you'd like them to now". In my own relationship and in couples work, I enjoy discussing ways you both can make time to share personal growth and relational accomplishments over the years (especially ones that were big milestones for you). These conversations highlight the things you know still influence decision making as a couple and helps bring clarity to areas that have felt uneasy or stagnant for awhile. These conversations also help each of you identify strengths that will be useful as you are supporting each other in something new and provides hope for the future outcome of the changes you want to make together.
Our lifestyle, who we surround ourselves by, and demands around work or family will naturally effect the relationship. It is very important to make time for just the two of you without distractions or outside influences to know if you are on the same page or not. I truly believe the time is now if these kinds of conversations have never happened before.
Here are some questions you can journal out on your own time to more clearly understand what relational transformation is/means for you.
When have you both embarked on something new and easily joined one another in this process?
What are areas of the relationship you know could still transform if time allowed for more open and honest conversations?
What are areas of the relationship that seem stagnant or have never been a topic of discussion that you think would bring better understanding to each other?
Are there past wounds within the relationship that are not as painful now as they use to be because of witnessing each other grow in 'better' directions?
Are there past wounds still preventing each other from deeper connection and growth?
What have you truly closed the door on and what doors are harder to close?
Are you willing to listen to your loved ones pains or frustrations within the relationship if it has been some time since talking?
Do you want to evolve in your own relationship? If so, what does this mean for you now?
What milestones within your relationship are you grateful for?
What parts of your life journey do you have grace for, knowing you both were undergoing your own hardships separate of each other?
ART

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