Love your Scar Tissue

This week I had a huge turning point in regards to what it really means to work with the layered trauma's of your past. As I was sitting with coffee and reading some poetry, it dawned on me that it is time to love my scars. Not question them, reject them, find new understanding or meaning...etc... Simply, love them. I started to take deep breaths and go through each significant trauma and speak out-loud why I love each part of my body that was wounded and choose to see the physical scar tissue I still carry with me. It brought so many tears of relief and freedom.

I know for quite awhile I was living within my wounds and not accepting them as a part of me, making it harder to physically feel like I was making progress in my body. If I am honest, it is hard to want to accept the ugly in our journeys because it is a weight that can pull you back to unworthy thoughts. For me ugly meant broken for far too long. I wanted to see people and places, especially in flash backs, completely separate of myself. I have learned, especially as a former therapist, it is easier to grasp concepts around how to heal and much more challenging to be genuinely present with pain as you heal. Often, there is rage or saturated narratives that take away from our tenderness and clarity to make bolder decisions. Explosive emotions go against everything you thought you once were in any given moment. I continue the practice of quickly recognizing when I feel a boiling sensation in my bones, honor it is uncomfortable and recognize what I am going through is just a moment. That is it. Reminding myself over and over again that a moment does not define you. Moving forward as I do this, I will also hold my scars in a way a mother would hold her child because I am capable of this kind of boundless love.

Gaining control over my life, confidently talking about my story now and talking to myself as a compassionate mother would to her child, is deep soul medicine. It has become a lot easier to move in and out of any emotion, radically pausing to bring myself back to consciousness. I have had many experiences this year where I have surprised myself with how well I have handled a situation, difficult conversation or negative train of thoughts that wants to derail my day. Living in a place of growth I once deemed impossible, is truly miraculous. My victims no longer hold me in suffering, bound to open wounds that kept me in states of hypervigilance. I hold myself with a sense of understanding no one was capable of back then. I also am extremely grateful to those who have extended a compassionate hand when I could not figure out how to get out of chaos. I am these wounds and I love the scar tissue that has built up with my age overtime. I am glad to know this woman.

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As I am several weeks into practicing shifting my thoughts into loving each scar unconditionally, it holds a different kind of energy. This mindset has been the last puzzle piece to holding myself as whole. Even though shame cycles want to keep me from living on lighter feet at times, I believe shame will take awhile longer to unravel and have its place of truths...especially as I embrace this higher mindset with more certainty. What I am very grounded in, is my ability to operate from a sound place of mind and not question the tricks it wants to play anymore.

ART