A huge theme that has presented itself this past summer in several conversations with others is relational grief. This is a topic that could be a whole book because there are so many areas of grief we go through with a partner that rarely get talked about. In my first blog post I briefly share my fiance and I having to go through what felt like a relational death in order to re-meet each other in the present day again. We needed to come to this realization to name what change was necessary for the relationship, so we could move forward and break a vicious cycle that formed. Relational grief for us meant we had to start acknowledging the underlying pain to old wounds that kept re-surfacing, somedays in uglier and uglier ways. It meant we had to uncover the areas we resisted touching in past events, to understand how we ended up in binds that caused extreme wounds. We had to learn to say aloud to one another, "damn, what happened in our relationship early on was really sad and it is awful we experienced x, y, z together". By both of us being able to name the hurt together, it removed blaming and shaming each other. The relational death for us was when all the pain started turning into compassion and there were more moments of tears shared without any words being said. Grief does not need words when two people are really holding space for each other. It is so beautiful to experience unspoken moments of grief together because you know a cycle has been broken. It is those times where you can just look in each other's eyes and honor what has happened verses continue to question or judge the experience. Your loved one needs to know there is a safe place to unravel and be fully accepted in the midst of all the heartache that comes with your story. If you both can come to a place of sitting in the in-between spaces that were once too uncomfortable to touch, that is when true restoration starts to happen. Whether it brings you closer together, or calls for separation, these raw moments are what start re-igniting change that is needed for you each to thrive again.
One thing that is true in all relationships is that the older you become, the ego is going to die and your inner spirit is going to show you where it is time to grow and start making new behavioral changes. What I think happens for a lot of people in relationship is that there are parts of our ego we still do not want to let go of yet, so resist making changes that are necessary. It is wild to me how our behavioral patterns can hold such a tight grip on us, preventing us from knowing what we are capable of. It is not easy to make changes in ourself, let alone within a relationship too. This is why it is so difficult to maintain long-term relationships. I often hear others say how draining it is to show up for the other person. When the key is actually starting with you first, and then coming back to tending to the relationship. There is a healthy balance that can be reached in this. You also do not have to do it alone. I think having a trusted third party whether it is through therapy or coaching can take the pressure off you each trying to come up with solutions.
I also believe we are not meant to be "fully healed" in order to be in a better relationship. I hear a lot of talk within the social media world, "that you have to fully heal on your own and then find another fully healed person". I actually do not believe there is such thing as an end point in our healing journey. No matter who we date or are with for a long period of time that person will always show you a mirror of things you didn't know about yourself before or did not realize you still gravitate toward in another. We all go through this and we all have choices in how we disrupt or start breaking out of old patterns. Personally, I have made more significant life changes from being in relationship with others than being on my own. I have definitely had periods of being on my own that were needed and also honor without relationship, I would not have reached a point of peace in my life as quickly as I have from all the mistakes and lessons learned. Being in relationship shows you the light and dark sides of each other. Relationship radically changes two people from the inside out and can be the change you both are looking for and craving. The important part is are you both creating consistency with new ways of communicating and interacting on a daily basis. You each have to take accountability and show each other you really want to see new growth in the relationship.
Important questions to ask yourself if you are in a long-term relationship that has come up against barriers again are: Have we been telling each other the truth? Have we set time aside to talk about pain we are still holding onto or building resentment around? Have we allowed ourselves to grief past versions of this relationship? Do we talk about triggers or wounds that surface or just ignore them?
Your body will start to heal and you each will feel lighter when grief is invited into those spaces that have gone untouched in your story.
ARA
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